Children

I love children...I always have. When I was in college I spent my summers working as a Girl Scout camp counselor for mainly 4th-6th grade girls. I think that is when I realized how special kids are to me. They are blessings and we can all learn from them.

Back in my dating days (way back), a guy that I was seeing called me a "mother without children". I guess that my maternal instinct was obvious to him. But when he said that, it hurt a little bit because it is pretty much a true statement. I struggle with the idea of having children on a daily basis. Right now I can't have children because in addition to the multiple fibroids, my fallopian tubes are sealed/blocked. So, this surgery is only one step towards fertility. The doctor is going to look at the tubes when she does the myomectomy, but it is not certain what she will be able to do about them.

I have been pregnant before and subsequently had miscarriages because of the state of my uterus. Even after this surgery, between the surgery and my "advanced age" (37), any pregancy would be high risk. I would have to deliver early by c-section because of the risks to my uterus during labor. This fact alone is very daunting to me. There's a big part of me that doesn't want to go through that. Sometimes I want to tell the doctor that I have changed my mind and to just do a hysterectomy (which could happen anyway if there are complications during the myomectomy).

Obviously since I am going through with the myomectomy, my desire to have a child w/ my husband is stronger than my fears...and that really is all about my husband. I mean, we have talked about this a lot and he is happy with whatever happens. He has made it crystal clear that he is happy as long as he has me...that's it...that's all he needs. But I love him so much and it breaks my heart that my problems are keeping us from having a child.

Regardless of how this surgery goes, it will be nice to know what we can do and what path we should take. Whether it be trying for our own child, possibly adopting, or deciding to not have children, it will be ok. I am SO blessed to have wonderful children in my life including my half-sister Casey and my half-brother Cole as well as friend's children, etc. that I do not have a "void to fill" so to speak. I think that I just have a longing to have child of our own somehow. We will see what happens...