It's Been Awhile...

So, I haven't really had that much to say... I am still healing nicely from the surgery physically speaking. I am no longer in pain so that's good.

I'm still trying to cope with the thought of not having biological children...It's more difficult than I thought. I see my friends and family and their kids and I can't help but think that life is passing me by a little...but I suppose that these are all natural feelings...I just wish that they didn't hurt so much. But, I am blessed...I have love in my life in many, many ways. So I am just holding on to that thought to help me deal with this.

On a lighter note, I am thinking that I can't stand the cat anymore. He is unruly and he tries to chase rabbits...from inside...so he messes up the wood blinds. I don't like him when he does that. He's also very needy and howls when Reggie is away because Reggie is essentially his father (and mother for that matter). Sammy just tolerates me...I'm like the sample that comes with purchase... Anyone want an orange cat? He's very cute...looking...He's cute.

Moving Right Along...

Surgery Talk: In a few days it will be a month since the surgery. Today I went for a short walk and it was truly amazing. Other than the pain from the incision, I felt great! It feels like a huge bowling ball that I have been carrying around for 10+ years has been removed from my abdomen. I feel lighter on my feet and everything is shifting down to where it's supposed to be. I don't have heartburn anymore, my metabolism is speeding up, and I have energy!!! These are all good things! Other than weight I have gained through the years, I feel like I did in high school. I know that I will never get back to that physiologically speaking, but I think that I can get close...actually I know it. Bottom line: I should have had the hysterectomy years ago...but I did not know that because in previous years I thought that I would be able to have children if I just got rid of the tumors. The truth of the matter is that the tumors wreaked too much havoc and too much damage was done. So, I am at peace with that and excited for what I am physically capable of now that I am rid of them.

In other news...well, there isn't much other news. I realize that I need to start posting some pictures to make this blog interesting. I am starting Weight Watchers again in a few weeks, so maybe I will start posting about that as well. I have been on WW before with great results. Now is the perfect time to start again since I will be able to do a lot of things that I could not do before as far as exercise is concerned.

I have two more weeks before I go back to work. It's amazing the perspective that can be gained by going through something like major surgery. My outlook on work and my career has completely changed. I just hope that when I do get back to the office, I can maintain my new promise to myself. I tend to get really stressed at work and I have decided that I am just done with that...done with getting upset. Life is too short. So we'll see how it goes.

Anyway, that's all for now. Oh - I just watched the Oscars and I am very happy for everyone involved in Slumdog Millionaire. I am also happy for Kate Winslet. The show itself was weird in my opinion...Hollywood amazes me with their need to award themselves and pat each other on the back on a yearly schedule. Entertainment is important, but you would think that some of these actors are curing cancer or something. I guess that I should leave it at that considering that almost my entire existence has been funded by my father's career in television...my stepmom's career in several types of media...my stint at CBS....my husband's work at Fox in Los Angeles & now the NBC affiliate here in Denver. Actually if I add it all together, only 8 years of my life have not been supported by work in the industry either entirely or partially in some way, shape or form. Weird.

Where are the IT awards???!!! Maybe I should start that? I wonder if I could get a TV or cable network to carry it...

Humility

Hello! It has been awhile since I have posted...sorry about that.

Things here are good. I had my 2 week follow-up appointment and the doctor says that I am healing well. My husband has been a great nurse and I can't say enough good things about him (as usual).

We are coping well with the outcome of the surgery. Of course I am only human...and some days are better than others. But, Reggie and I agree that we CAN get through this! If we couldn't, it wouldn't have happened to us. So for now we have decided to take it easy and not make any decisions re: adoption, etc. Well...I take that back...we have decided on adoption when the time is right. I am going to spend the next several months getting my "rear in gear" so that I can look and feel like the person that I am on the inside. It should be easier now that I no longer have the tumors.

I will not be graphic, but the doctor explained to me that I was VERY sick. Way more sick than I even knew... I am very blessed to have made it through this. She told me that at some point she actually had to call in an oncologist while she was removing everything. Scary stuff! But no worries, I am cancer-free...she just needed some extra hands to remove the monster from my body.

So, during this recovery period, I feel very special because I am learning a lot. I feel like a 5th grader who can't stop reading...but I am not learning from books. I am learning from the graciousness of others...friends, family, my husband...even the cat! (He dutifully stays with me all day.) What I am learning about is humility...

Those of you know me know that I can get a little controlling in all things...work, home (especially the kitchen)... For some reason I am usually only comfortable when I am in control. Flying is a perfect example, I feel like I would be safer flying the plane even though I do not have a pilot's license. This is irrational I know, but I guess that I may be a little "type A". Well, when I put myself in the hands of the doctor and the anesthesiologist, I let go...I relinquished control..and you know what? it is one of the best things that has happened to me in recent years.

I am humbled by the skills and professional care of the doctors and nurses that I experienced.

I am humbled by the unwavering faith that my husband has in me that I can get through this.

I am humbled by the generosity of friends who have helped us out by bringing us meals, sending flowers, sending well wishes, but mostly by their friendship.

I am humbled by my family who keeps me in their thoughts and prayers at all times.

But most of all...I am humbled by something I can't fully understand, something bigger than all of us. I am so blessed...

So it is time for a change...I am changing the title of the blog. The address will remain the same, but I think that "Tracy's Place" is more appropriate. There is no need to dwell on the surgery any longer. I made it through and it is time for a little optimism. :)

Good News & Bad News

Good News: I am home from the hospital and recovering relatively well.

Bad News: Due to some issues with the tumors on the back of my uterus, my doctor had to opt for a hysterectomy. This happened after she had already removed 7 tumors. We had talked about it the Friday beforehand, so I knew that it was a possibility. I am ok with it...but it is going to take me awhile to process what this means as far as my family and the positive and negative changes in my life.

I am thankful for the support of my family and friends. This is not the worst thing that has ever happened, but it will take some time to fully understand it.

Stretch Pants

It's been awhile since I have posted and I have a lot to say. I will put those thoughts on the blog later today.

For now, I have to share the predominant thought in my head this morning: stretch pants. For the past couple of months I have been wearing stretch pants because of the pain and swelling in my abdomen. They are not like 80s big sweater, spandex stretch pants...They are even worse than that. They are the kind of pants that probably sell well in Florida...I'm talking Golden Girls quality. So, I will be glad to retire them after I have healed from the surgery.

Unfortunately during recovery I will go through a muumuu phase. But no one will see those except for my husband and they will be retired as well.

Thank you for being a friend... :)

Random Thoughts

Tomorrow I go back to the blood bank to try and give blood again for the surgery. I have eaten so many iron-rich foods and taken so many iron pills this week...hopefully my blood cell count is up. Wish me luck!

Other than that, nothing is going on....except that I have decided that I am READY!!! Anxiety and fear be damned!

I woke up in the middle of the night last night and started talking to my fibroids and calling them aliens. So...yeah...maybe I shouldn't have shared that. But the bottom line is that they are no longer welcome in the spaceship that is my uterus.

I am obviously tired...so I am out for now.

Children

I love children...I always have. When I was in college I spent my summers working as a Girl Scout camp counselor for mainly 4th-6th grade girls. I think that is when I realized how special kids are to me. They are blessings and we can all learn from them.

Back in my dating days (way back), a guy that I was seeing called me a "mother without children". I guess that my maternal instinct was obvious to him. But when he said that, it hurt a little bit because it is pretty much a true statement. I struggle with the idea of having children on a daily basis. Right now I can't have children because in addition to the multiple fibroids, my fallopian tubes are sealed/blocked. So, this surgery is only one step towards fertility. The doctor is going to look at the tubes when she does the myomectomy, but it is not certain what she will be able to do about them.

I have been pregnant before and subsequently had miscarriages because of the state of my uterus. Even after this surgery, between the surgery and my "advanced age" (37), any pregancy would be high risk. I would have to deliver early by c-section because of the risks to my uterus during labor. This fact alone is very daunting to me. There's a big part of me that doesn't want to go through that. Sometimes I want to tell the doctor that I have changed my mind and to just do a hysterectomy (which could happen anyway if there are complications during the myomectomy).

Obviously since I am going through with the myomectomy, my desire to have a child w/ my husband is stronger than my fears...and that really is all about my husband. I mean, we have talked about this a lot and he is happy with whatever happens. He has made it crystal clear that he is happy as long as he has me...that's it...that's all he needs. But I love him so much and it breaks my heart that my problems are keeping us from having a child.

Regardless of how this surgery goes, it will be nice to know what we can do and what path we should take. Whether it be trying for our own child, possibly adopting, or deciding to not have children, it will be ok. I am SO blessed to have wonderful children in my life including my half-sister Casey and my half-brother Cole as well as friend's children, etc. that I do not have a "void to fill" so to speak. I think that I just have a longing to have child of our own somehow. We will see what happens...